Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize