I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I fill condoms, not promises.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
