I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
