I just cut my nipple shaving
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
