Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
