So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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