addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
