I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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