Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Randomize