Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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