When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
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