At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
