Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
