We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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