I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
