Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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