I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize