So drunk its hurt
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
