hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
