Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
