u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Randomize
