if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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