she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
When did angry sex become our thing?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
