I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
