so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
