as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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