i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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