my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
