awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
