He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
