If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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