If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
