When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
