The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
