College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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