Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
