I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Randomize
