Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
