just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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