im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
