Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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