I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
