It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
