Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
