grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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