My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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