Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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