Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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