a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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