I hate your face
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
