The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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