I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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