Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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