the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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