I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
