Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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