I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
