she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
