I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
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