Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
