im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
