My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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