We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
