there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
