I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Reggie can tackle my bush.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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