Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
