dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
